Confession: I’ve spent the majority of my social life trying to be cool.
And I’m sure there are people out there who would probably say that I succeeded. That I got invited to the right parties, dated the right older guys, wore the right clothes (questionable), and did things that gained the respect and admiration of whatever social group I was trying to impress.
There would also be a contingent that would argue I never quite fit in, I was always doing something embarrassing, and I just couldn’t pull off “black pants and a cute top” the way all my friends seemed to (90′s fashion was pretty sad).
But the part that pains me, when I look back at my 30 years in our social strata, is in the trying.
It’s that somehow I felt I needed to try to be something other than who I am.
And this feeling didn’t go away just because I graduated highschool. Oh no, I see the striving to be cool all over the online business community, all up in the moms-groups, and don’t get me started with the Oakland hipster scene.
So I’m taking a stand, for my 16 year old self, for my 32 year old self, and for anyone who has ever felt they had to hide a part of themselves in order to fit in.
Hello, I’m a dork, nice to meet you.
:: I don’t like going out, definitely don’t like crowds, and think that if I’d been honest with myself, starting at age 14 my preferred social engagement would have been a nice dinner party with a few select friends.
:: I do not stay up on “cool” music. My go to favorite, country, but I’ll rock out to some 90’s slow jams any day of the week.
:: I LOVE musical theater. I love theater in general and plan to return to the stage, for fun, because performing is in my blood. Drama Geek for life!
:: My favorite movies are all romances that make me cry. Scary or violent movies keep me up at night.
:: I have always wanted to be a fairy and if I had my way would dress up like one at least once a week.
:: Speaking of dress up costumes, Always.
:: I’m good at math, and brain teasers, and can’t get enough podcasts about science and spirituality.
:: I know very little about current events, and geography, please. Not to mention my horrible grammar and spelling.
:: I talk to strangers, hug people I just met, and often say the wrong thing.
:: Living history? I’m there. The more interactive the better.
:: I love to sing and dance, but am not very good at either. Does this stop me from doing both on a regular basis? Never.
:: Although I love beautiful clothes, 73% of the time I’m in yoga pants and a t-shirt, no make-up, with my hair in a tangled bun.
:: I’ve been told on 3 separate occasions that if I wanted I could pursue a career as a clairvoyant. Watch out for my spidey sense.
:: I feel sad that I wrote off those dungeon and dragons kids, cause I’m pretty sure I would be obsessed with that game, and if anyone wants to teach me how to play, I’m in.
:: I’m peppy and chipper and annoyingly positive like 85% of the time, I can’t help it, it’s who I am.
And this is just the short list. But even as I write this I recognize that these are the parts of me that make me unique and lovable and real. So I’m sorry, oh dorky-self, for years of being shoved away and covered up, I promise, never again.
Now that my inner dork has come out to say hi, I’d love to meet yours. Share your confessions on your own blog or in the comments below.
** DISCLAIMER – I suck at spelling and my grammar is even worse, but you know what? I’m not letting my inner perfectionist keep me from writing and posting here on this little blog. I mean come on, it’s a blog, so please excuse any errors and feel free to e-mail me any corrections as long as you are kind and remind me that grammar and spelling are not really measures of intelligence or value, but hey a more polished piece is always nice.